Shark Attacks

Recent shark attacks in Florida have resulted in the death of a 14 year-old girl, the loss of the leg of a teenaged boy and the injured ankle of a young tourist from Austria. In the wake of these attacks, the state of Florida has issued a few useful tips. The "embellishing remarks" are by Frank Cerabino, of the Palm Beach Post.

Shark tip: "Do not enter the water if bleeding from an open wound."

Embellishing remark: This is generally good advice, even if you happen to be in the community swimming pool.

Shark tip: "Avoid waters with known effluents or sewage."

Embellishing remark: There's only one thing worse than getting attacked by a shark, and that's getting attacked by a shark while swimming in a sewage spill.

Shark tip: "Wearing shiny jewelry is discouraged because the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales."

Embellishing remark: You're there to swim, not make a rap music video. You wouldn't show up at a 50 Cent concert in a snorkel. If you insist on wearing bling-bling into the ocean, at least make sure it isn't the shape and size of a mullet.